I have three midterms next week, one kanji quiz, one interview test, and various other assignments. Have skipped ballroom dance today because of the extreme guilt of not having done ANYTHING for them at all, but I'm sure you can see for yourself how "productive" I'm being at the moment...

Dreams and hopes are a curious thing. They're so painful to behold, so heartwrenchingly disappointing to contemplate the high possibilities of failure. But yet, at the same time, it seems that the older I get, the more hopes and wishes I cradle close to my heart, the more ephemeral flights of fancy I cherish with trembling hands.

How counterintuitive.

Every step I take, every breath I breathe, the walls continue ever closing in. I'm losing degrees of freedom even as I write this. From the carefree child who could "be an astronaut! be a writer! be a designer! be a dance teacher!", the open field has narrowed to a single murky lane. A fixed future, but one that I cannot see, no matter how hard I peer.

And yet, and yet... I dream even more so; now that so many pivotal parts of my life are over, nailed down in the unforgiving canvas of history. My university. My major. My career. My schooling in Singapore. All gone with the winds of time, swept up and bound up within flimsy pieces of paper that I'm pretty sure I must have lost by now (where ARE my 'O' or 'A' level result slips anyway, hmm. still, i'm quite sure they're still there. no worries).

With every choice - The future unfolding beneath my feet, almost beyond my control. Maybe it already is. But one more dream do I still dare to hold. A big one, it is, and freshly, newly born with the innocence of one as yet untainted by contact with the uncaring world.

I hold it with cupped palms over my heart. Like a butterfly just emerged from the pupa, sitting outstretched as the wings fill out, dry out, harden. May you come true, dearest, newest, most precious one. The one that I never even dared to conceive of before, but which now hangs so tantalizingly almost within reach like Tantalus' grapes. Wind beneath thy wings, koishii, and fly forth bravely into the vagaries of the future, bearing the whisper of my hope with you. May you find a home.

*gentle puff of breath*

P.S. It's strange how dreams that you never knew you even had can come true, isn't it? I never even dared think that I could study overseas. Not rich enough, not smart enough, not fortunate enough. And now I am. Thank You. Thank You so very, very much.